Dear friend,
When did you last receive a handwritten letter? This one, albeit typed, is written specifically for you. Recently I listened to a conversation (online) and a simple statement by the poet Ocean Vuong made an impact on me and I’d like to share my thoughts on that with you.
He was saying that in his Vietnamese culture, there is not a lot of saying, “I love you.” Instead, in his culture, “We cook, we massage, we scratch each other’s back.”
I was brought up in a household where telling the person you love them was given freely, but always in a meaningful way. We may have spoken those words, but my mom also articulated love and caring for a person in other ways.
My mom, leading by her example through service, demonstrated that she cared about and loved me, other family members, friends, and sometimes even strangers. She cooked and metaphorically scratched others’ backs. There was never any mistaking her reasons for cooking for someone — for her it was always an act of love. I learned that from her.
At times she articulated her caring simply by paying attention. Like Vuong’s culture, her tendency to listen and pay full attention was a way of showing that she cared. It was her form of massage.
That’s all I really wanted to say. I haven’t asked you a single question in this letter. When you write back, have you ever heard a little snippet of conversation that wouldn’t leave you alone until you had to simply share your thoughts on it with someone?
Until the next time,
Diane
Many years ago, in a train station cafe, I heard a man describe to his companion the plans for an upcoming funeral. It was unique to the person, whose name I did not hear. The music, the flowers and decoration, the readings and the inclusion of the attendees were laid out in loving detail following the wishes of the deceased. It was both a love letter to and from her. I felt I would have liked the person very much. She obviously loved people and all that is beautiful in this world. Two weeks later I was listening to an arts and culture programme on the BBC where this very funeral was being described. She was not a star but she was beloved by many in the arts community for her support, mentorship and wisdom. If I didn’t know it then I did from then on, that to love and be loved is the greatest thing.
There are so many things that we are powerless to change, especially in other people’s lives. But it can useful to put that emotional energy to use by doing kind things, letting people know we care. What a lovely post!
your words remind me of one of my grandmothers. she pushed food on us from the moment we entered her door. it was her way of loving us.
looks yummy